5 premises of NVC

The following is a list of basic premises, or "assumptions" we make in NVC that are important to consider if we want to truly embrace the nonviolent or "giraffe" consciousness, and let it permeate each area of our lives. When we are challenged, we may find it difficult to make decisions based on these premises, as our past conditioning often comes into play so automatically. That is why it may be helpful to keep this list handy, frequently reading it, meditating on it, talking with friends about it. In this way, we can help it to sink into our consciousness' a little more each day.

5 Premises from ‘The Compassionate Classroom’ by Sura Hart and Victoria Kindle Hodson

• Premise 1: We are all natural givers.
• We each have a lot to give. We each enjoy giving.

• Premise 2: We can give and receive to meet the most needs for everyone.
• Needs are universal and identifiable.
• Our needs are independent of specific people.
• We are always trying to meet our needs.
• Feelings are helpful messengers of met and unmet needs.
• Identifying our needs is empowering.

• Premise 3: To meet our needs we become more choiceful about how we think, listen, talk and act.
• We are agents of choice.
• There are many ways to meet needs.
• We can choose how we act.
• We can choose how we think.
• We can choose how we listen.
• We can choose how we talk.

• Premise 4: We can continually learn new ways to meet needs.
• We can refine strategies to meet needs.
• We can celebrate when strategies work.
• We can learn from strategies that don’t work.
• People (including children) will have the energy and the clarity to find their own solutions and resolutions, once they have had empathy for their feelings and needs.

• Premise 5: By focusing on needs we can prevent, reduce, and resolve conflicts.
• Needs are never in conflict.
• Conflicts occur when a strategy chosen to meet a need means that some other important needs will not get met.
• For the most fun, we can find ways to meet everyone’s needs.

another video: introduction to NVC

"The basic purpose of Nonviolent communication is focused on creating the quality of connection between us, between us as a community, between us as a world, in which we trust that everyone's needs are going to be met."

One thing that really stays with me that this speaker shares is when he says he "tries to remember to be gentle with himself in the many instances in which he is not able to do it". I think this is key to success. Rather than paralyzing ourselves with negative self-talk and criticism, we remind ourselves that we are human and we need opportunities to make mistakes in order to learn.

I also like what he means when he says "When we learn NVC, we don't suddenly become 'perfect' giraffes, in fact, 'perfect' is a jackal term!". How great it is to remember this!

I don't know about you, but I can't hear enough NVC at the introductory level. With each new material or video, I hear something new. My understanding is further enriched.

NVC parenting: when a child says "no"

I love this clip (here is the direct link if you can't view the video successfully here). Although, when I was really new to NVC and watched it the first time, I admit, I was scared and uncomfortable. I thought "I could never talk this way to my children, they would wonder what I'm trying to pull over on them. And besides, it sounds so unnatural... and would take way too much time!".

It took quite some learning and practicing of my own before I could recognize that in this video, Inbal is using 'classical giraffe' to talk to the child; this is a term NVC trainers use to describe the basic, introductory style of nonviolent communication. As awkward and stilted as it may sound, this fundamental approach is so important to practice in the beginning; as it is through the process of practicing this that one finds roots and can really begin to grow in the Compassionate Consciousness. I have found that as I become more grounded in NVC, a more colloquial (flowing or 'street') giraffe does come a lot more naturally. It is so important to remember that, ultimately, the goal it is NOT about mastering a specific language. It is a total consciousness shift, with primary goal to connect!

This is a web page that offers various books and resources from both on and off the web, for those interested in learning more about Nonviolent Communication. Come back and check for new material often!